Keeping Secrets
by LyjinLeejin
Summary: Musings about past loves and losses. Yaoi and POV.


Hey! I'm going to try and post a fic every month or so, just so you know I haven't died yet. Even if I don't post all of my long fics for a while I still have a ready supply of one-shots, so don't worry. Ah. And anout this fic. It's a pairing I haven't rally seen around much, but still isn't that outrageous. I promise to give whoever guesses the pairing a whole mountain of chocolate! It shouldn't be too hard, though.  
  
On with the fic!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
****  
  
Only three people ever knew. About us, I mean. Me, him, and her. It would have stayed between me and him, had it been up to me. She found out by accident. It was one of the times that I wasn't sure that knowing every jutsu, or being the best was as all-important as I had made it out to be. We had just been stitting under a tree, out in the woods where no one ever went. Just sitting. Not shoving my tongue down his throat or having wild, nail-biting, back-arching sex, but it was somehow just as wonderful. Just being with him.  
  
He was lying between me legs like a boneless sack of jelly while I leaned back against the broad trunk of a tree. My hands were in his hair and his eyes were closed. It was just so. . . so peaceful. No competition. No rivalry. No people to put on an act for. Just us, being ourselves. And then, all of a sudden, he just looked up and. . . smiled. Not that stupid moron grin he flashed around, or that self-effacing little smirk he wore when he got told off for something. Just a smile.  
  
It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.  
  
He looked so happy. Truly happy. Like anything at all could have happened and he would have just smiled in that same, beaming way, as long as I was there with him. And I really wanted to believe that that was true. I didn't want to move or do anything that could have removed that blissful expression from his face, but if I hadn't shown him how happy I was to see him smile like that at me, then I would have exploded. So I leaned down and kissed him as hard as I could.  
  
I never really have been that good with words.  
  
And when he kissed me back with same kind of perfect intensity that he had smiled with it was all I could not to cry with happiness. It was just so right and perfect and so damn good. Both of my hands were in his hair then and I think that I might have accidentally hurt him beacuse I pulled him so close to me, but I don't think he cared because he was nearly breaking my neck trying to drag me on top of him. Everything was so goddamn perfect that I had wondered what the hell kind of world I had been living in not have felt this way before. And for just a few moment (a few precious, precious moments) I wasn't a genius prodigy and he wasn't an idiot prankster, we were one person and all of our seemingly important goals and problems, and disagreements just dissappeard like they had never been there to start with.   
  
Then she ruined it all. She come crashing in through the brush asking where I was at the top of her voice. We managed to pull ourselves apart eventually, but not before she had found us. If I hadn't been so angry at her for inturrupting us, than it would have been comical the way that her eyes bulged and her mouth hung open. I snapped at her, asking what she wanted. He looked so embarressed. It was adorable how he kept looking at the ground. It almost made me forget how angry I was at her. But then she just shook her head and backed away, staring at us like we were crazy. Believe it or not, that was one of the only memories that have ever made me smile.  
  
Out of all the jutsus that I know, not one of them could ever make me feel as happy and content as I did back then. Once he told me that he wished that we would never have to grow up. Becasue when we grew up things would change. I don't think he realized just how true those words were when he said them. Nothing could have ever been the same after he found out about my experiments. He just looked at me then. It would have been better if he had shouted, or yelled, or hit me, or anything but just looking at me the way he did. He didn't talk to me for a week afterwards. No matter how much I said I missed him or begged or pleaded him to come back to me. That was the first time I had seriously considered suicide, I think.  
  
Of course, it was inevitable that someone else would find out. I don't think he told, though. He may have hated me and what I was doing, but he never would have told. I left that night. As fate would have it, the only person I saw was him. He took one look at me, out of breath, hair disheveled from jumping over countless rooftops. He took one look at me and knew.   
  
He knew that I was leaving.  
  
He knew that I wouldn't be coming back this time.  
  
He knew that the next time he saw me, he would most likely have to kill me.   
  
He knew that we could never have anything like what we had before.  
  
He knew that this was the last chance we would have to say goodbye.  
  
He took one look at me and then kissed me so hard I saw stars. I'll never forget what he tasted like. It was desperate, needy, and saturated with all the emotions he couldn't express and all the things he couldn't say. It could have lasted seconds or centuries for all knew. When we had to part or risk suffocating ourselves, he stood there with his arms around me and his face in my hair and he held on for all he was worth. He took a deep breath whispered, so quietly that I almost didn't hear him.  
  
"I love you."  
  
Before I could say anything or do anything or even get my brain to wrap around what he had said, he wasn't holding me and he wasn't there and I had been pushed in the direction of the edge of the village.   
  
I left that night. I left and I never came back.  
  
If there was one thing I could have done to change what had happened, anything at all, it would have been to tell him I that I loved him back. I really did love him. I think I still do. It's almost pathetic really. But there's nothing I can do to chnage it. I've tried to supress my feelings. I've tried to ignore them, hope against hope that they'll go away. I was a fool though. I've accepted these feelings now. But even though I cannot change them I can still try to repress them. Trying to destroy the village of the person you love is not the the easiest thing to do.   
  
So here I stand. Arms paralysed. Unable to even preform a simple Henge no Jutsu. And attempting to kill the only person whom I have ever loved. As much as I wish we could forget every bad thing that has ever hapened between us, I cannot let him or her live. As long as they live, I could never be able to destroy the place I once called home. And if I can't destroy that place, than I can never live with all of our secrets. Our wonderful, terrible, beautiful, horrible, precious secrets.  
  
Three can only keep a secret if two are dead.  
  
**** 


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